What Can I Learn From a Butterfly?

When I was younger, I never thought that I would grow old. I was never able to envision myself as an old woman. Those pictures for my future did not exist. There was no morbidity in it. It just seemed factual. When I passed my 30th birthday, I gained insight into this foreshortened sense of future. Of course, those of you who know me – and the psychologist in me – will get the classic - even Freudian - revelation I had. Having lost my mother when she was 30, I realized that my ability to perceive my own future as one having the depth of age and experience that only the “golden years” can provide was somehow entwined with her youthful demise. It was almost as if my 30th birthday flipped the switch that made it possible for me to see into the future in spans of decades that could, conceivably, end with me being elderly…old and gray, if you will.

50. The journey to this milestone has been one of both deep valleys and tremendous mountaintops. There has been pain, and there has been triumph. How did I get here? I’ll tell you how I made it…as is written by Bethel Music, I made it through The Goodness of God:

 I love You, Lord; For Your mercy never fails me
All my days, I've been held in Your hands
From the moment that I wake up until I lay my head
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God 

I love Your voice; You have led me through the fire
In the darkest night you are close like no other
I've known You as a Father; I've known You as a Friend
And I have lived in the goodness of God

And all my life You have been faithful 
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

 Cameron, my son – my greatest blessing on earth, along with my husband - found this song for me to sing. Although I pray it speaks to others, the message truly resonates with me. I have been blessed beyond measure – even in light of many obstacles I have faced in life.

 In the last several years, a truly, significant struggle has been the source of angst for me. I have wasted a lot of time in worry – feeling that I was to step out on faith in significant ways - but being scared. It is amazing, however, how God works – especially during my 50th birthday week! So many things have come together. As I was singing (and crying) in the car, I realized that I was forgetting The Goodness of God. As I heard a message on Jonah from Cole McKinney with the stark question, “What are you running from?”, I realized I was running from this nearly year-long feeling I have had that I was to step out on faith – without fear. Jonah, Cole explained, was hurled into the sea as a result of his running from God’s directive, an act that caused great turmoil for others who sacrificed Jonah to calm the waters. In this context Cole posed the question, “Isn’t it amazing that in the most unlikely of places and through the most unlikely people, you see God working?” He explained how the people of Ninevah, as all of this was transpiring with Jonah and with the men on the boat, had absolutely no idea what God was doing behind the scenes for them. As an application for us, Cole offered the hope that “if we feel lost, in the wilderness, and barely hanging on to faith, we have no idea what God may be doing in that moment…moving mountains to bring something to us – to lighten our load, to lessen our burden, to bring us closer to Him – even as we are running from Him”. That moving became apparent to me yesterday – so very clearly – the day before my 50th birthday. 

Although I have always been a woman of faith, I want to start a new chapter of submission to faith, as I celebrate this milestone. The refrain in The Goodness of God offers a theme for my journey to come:

 Your goodness is running after - It's running after me
Your goodness is running after - It's running after me
With my life laid down, I'm surrendered now
I give You everything
'Cause Your goodness is running after - It's running after me.

 I realize how much I have lost by running, by failing to surrender, by being scared to step out on faith. Leo Buscaglia said, “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy”. I want my next 50 years to be joy-filled and peaceful, and the only way to have that is to surrender. What do I have to be afraid of? For as Sabrina Newby said, “Don’t be afraid. Change is such a beautiful thing”, said the butterfly”.

 Blessings ~

 Lisa